


Fake it till you make it

by orphan_account



Category: Bartimaeus - Jonathan Stroud, Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-13
Updated: 2016-08-13
Packaged: 2018-08-08 11:49:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7756777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rincewind has the worst roomate ever. There is beer, gravity and some poor Chinese document. Rincewinds cries a lot. Bart is having fun. And Faquarl is just caught in the middle.<br/>Crack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fake it till you make it

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Dreyonea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dreyonea/gifts).



> Just a funny, weird university AU I wrote for my friend. There might be more of it one day.

Rincewind wanted only two things in his life. Well, he wanted those two things in that particular moment, when they appeared to be the most important to his continued existence.  
Beer. A nice two or three bottles of beer. Beer, as Rincewind discovered while studying at the Unseen University, was essential for him, because it provided him with three important character traits he lacked when he was sober. Firstly, it made him nice calm and relaxed. Two, it helped him to see the world and all its potential dangers with at least a half-smile on his face. And three, the more alcohol was there in his blood, the lower were his levels of anxiety.  
The other thing he craved, in that one particular moment, while sitting at his desk, trying to ignore that there were two other scary people in the room, was being left alone for the rest of his college years. And the rest of his life would also do, thank you very much.   
However, when he thought about it, he would even settle for a new roommate. Preferably one who wasn´t constantly having over their scary looking Greek boyfriend. One who wouldn´t threaten to feed Rincewind´s rat, Balthazar, to his cat.   
Bartimaeus was the worst roommate ever. No, wait, he was actually quite fun to be around, with his quick wit and funny nature, but to appreciate all those character traits, which quite often led to problems, one had to accomplish a rather important condition; not be Rincewind. Bartimaeus kept getting into problems and dragging not only himself, but also people around him into problems. People around him meant Rincewind. And if he, by a sheer matter of luck, hadn´t dragged Rincewind into the problem, he would therefore proceed to dragging the problem into their room. And as if that wasn´t enough, he had a terrible habit of threatening to burn the wizard (ehm, it had “wizzard” written on top, but it still was a wizard hat) hat Rincewind got from his grandfather when he was a kid.  
Rincewind hated him for that.  
Also, right now, at the very moment, he was making rather noisy things with Faquarl. Rincewind needed to translate the ancient Chinese text he was given. He couldn´t do it with Bartimaeus doing....gods knows what behind his back. Maybe it would be better if it wasn´t behind his back.  
Rincewind thought about it for a while and quickly dismissed the idea. Behind his back was just fine. Better then in front of him.   
He kept tapping his keybord aimlessly, eyeing the document in question, willing it to disappear. He didn´t succeed.   
Noises behind his back continued.   
Rincewind cleared his throat.   
Noises stopped.  
“Do you want some cough drops?” ask Bartimaeus in a cheerful voice.   
“Ehm, no, I am quite fine, thank you.”  
“Listen, Rinco,” Bartimaeus started and Rincewind was considering if turning to face him would be wise. He decided against. Those noises sounded pretty....heated.   
“Hm?”  
“You know, maybe you could continue in the library?” Bartimaeus prompted and Rincewind fully realized that they were trying to have sex and he was sitting at his desk.   
Ow.  
“Hm. Maybe you are right,” he said finally and heard Faquarl let out a long sigh.   
“Do you want me to help you take some things, or...?” Bart offered and Rincewind shook his head. Still not turning to them, he grabbed his beer, laptop and ancient Chinese document and headed for the door, tripping over Faquarl´s shirt (Rincewind didn´t want to know) in the process.   
He landed hard on the wooden floor, laptop landing next to him, as by a miracle in one piece. The bottle of beer and the ancient Chinese document weren´t as lucky.  
He could only watch in terror as the bottle broke and shattered all around the floor, its content drenching the thousands and thousands years old piece of paper.   
“Shit,” he heard Bart say behind him. And then, as for a good measure, he added: “Fuck.”  
Rincewind could only agree with him.   
***  
“Are you okay?”  
Rincewind didn´t answer.  
“Rincewind, say something...”  
Rincewind gaped at the destroyed piece of ancient wisdom. Librarian was going to kill him. Librarian was going to gouge his eyes out with a spoon. And maybe he´ll use a fork as well.   
“He is in shock, Bart,” came Faquarl´s voice as if from a great distance. “Maybe you should slap him.”  
“Nah, that would only make it worse. He would run away.” Bartimaeus stood up from the bed and walked over to his shaken roommate, who was still laying on the floor.   
“Rincewind?” He nudged him in the ribs with his foot. Rincewind didn´t move.   
Bartimaeus sighed and helped him to his feet.   
“It´s destroyed,” he said finally in a gloomy voice. “I am dead. It was actually quite nice knowing you, Bartimaeus, even if sometimes you are the worst roommate ever.”  
“He is going to be okay,” Bartimaeus turned to Faquarl who nodded slowly. He was just coming to terms with the possibility that his T-shirt might be destroyed as well.   
“You should sit down here, Rinco.” Bartimaeus carefully maneuvered Rincewind to sit down next to Faquarl. Quickly, he bend over and grabbed the piece of clothing responsible for all that mess. He tossed it at his boyfriend.  
“Get dressed,” he commanded. “We´ll continue...later. I have to....hm...” He gestured to his catatonic roommate who was still watching the floor in disbelief. “Take care of this...”  
Faquarl looked at his shirt. It smelled faintly after beer. He shrugged and put it on.   
“You should have eaten him when there was still time,” he said, eyeing Rincewind as if he just interrupted something of great importance. Which was exactly what happened. Bartimaeus shot Faquarl look which said “we talked about this” and then picked up the destroyed document from its quite comfortable looking pool of beer.   
Rincewind let out a howl worth a wounded animal.   
Bartimaeus watched the beer drop from the ancient looking piece of paper and got an idea.  
“Hey, Faquarl,” he started and Faquarl knew that when Bart says those two words, “hey” accompanied by someone´s name, it´s time for that unlucky someone to start to run. Too bad that after two years of dating, Bart had certain....expectation from him. Which included him not running after hearing those two words.   
He just groaned and sat the table. “I am listening.”  
Bart grinned like a person who just finished plotting an extremely evil and wicked plan to take over the world. Faquarl woudn´t be surprised if he´d really done it someday.  
“Do you remember those piles of that ancient looking pieces of paper locked up in the warehouse?”   
“You mean those we were supposed to classify at the beginning of the semester but didn´t do it because of the gape in the command Khaba gave us?” Faquarl asked in a flat voice.   
Bartimaeus grinned. “Yes. Exactly. I wouldn´t say it better myself.”  
“You are a disgrace, Bartimaeus.”  
“But I am your disgrace.”  
Rincewind let out another howl.   
***  
“You do realize that Khaba will skin us alive, right?”  
“No if he doesn´t know about that.”  
“There is no chance in hell the Librarian won´t notice this!”  
“Calm down, Rinco, I managed even worse things”  
Rincewind looked Bartimaeus dead in the eye. “I don´t want to know about that.”  
They managed to successfully get him out of his catatonic state (it took a beer can and a packet of potato chips) and then proceeded with Bart´s plan. Which, as it turned out, was a nightmare.  
“It´s going to be just fine. You see? It already looks almost like the original.”  
Rincewind wanted to cry. Faquarl wanted it all to end, so he could enjoy some moments alone with Bart.  
Bartimaeus was having fun.   
“You photocopied the original, Bart,” deadpanned Rincewind through clenched teeth.  
“But it looks old, Rinco,” proclaimed Bart in a cheerful voice. “Trust me. I study archaeology. I know what the old things look like.”  
“Egyptology,” Rincewind corrected him before turning his attention to the poorly made fake of thousands years old document. “You have license on drawing people from their profiles and recognition of various types of sand. Not on falsification. The Librarian will never buy that!”  
“Calm down,” Bartimaeus put a reassuring hand on Rincewind´s shoulder. “He is not an archaeologist. He won´t notice. “  
“But he is the Librarian!” protested Rincewind in a distressed tone.   
Bartimaeus continued to ignore him and carried on with his job. The Chinese letters were beginning to look almost believable. Almost. When you looked in a certain light. From a sufficient distance.   
Oh, Gods, thought Rincewind, the Librarian will make me into a book. He decided that the constant stress is not doing him any good and since this wasn´t a situation where running away would help, he gave up and curled up on his bed, in hope that when he wakes up in the morning all this mess will be just a dream.  
***  
He woke up to someone shaking him awake while whispering his name at the top of their lungs.  
“Rincewind! Rinco, wake up!”  
Rincewind sat up, ready to run if necessary. He relaxed slightly when he saw Bartimaeus next to his bed. Only slightly. It was, after all, Bartimaeus. Also, there was Faquarl sleeping in Bart´s bed rather soundly.   
Rincewind didn´t want to know.   
“Look!” Bartimaeus shoved something basically right into Rincewind´s face. Rincewind took it into his hands and gasped.  
It was the Chinese document. The fake one, of course - the original was laying in a crumbled pile smelling of beer, looking, in fact, quite sadly and depressed. But the fake one has started, sometime during the night after Rincewind went to sleep, to appear almost identical to the original. To the original before the unfortunate accident, of course.  
Rincewind opened and closed his mouth a few times.  
Then he opened it once more. None sound came.  
Bartimaeus laughed.   
“Just say it, Rinco. Admit that I am Bartimaeus the Great, Sakhr al-Jinni, N´gorso the Mighty, Bartimaeus the...”  
“How did you do it?!” Rincewind asked, ignoring Bart´s somehow offended looking face.   
“Well,” started Bartimaeus the Mighty, “I haven´t done it by myself, of course...But it was my brilliant idea...Do you know the Twoflower guy?”  
“The one with that crazy cat which follows him everywhere?”  
“Yes, exactly. Well, I thought, he IS Chinese, isn´t he? So we went to his room and asked him for a favor. When we mentioned it was for you, he looked really happy to help.”  
“You made him rewrite the document?”  
“Well, not all of it...only those parts that looked too much printed,” Bartimaeus answered, looking very content with himself.   
“And...did you gave him anything for it? I mean...rewrite it could not have been ease, just look at it...”  
“Nah, he didn´t want anything,” Bartimaeus answered but Rincewind noticed that he was grinning. “He only told us that he would really love to see the city and everything....and he asked for you as a guide, since you speak his language. He is taking the Luggage as well.”  
Rincewind cried out so loudly that he managed to wake up Faquarl who fell from Bart´s bed, looking very grumpy and confused.


End file.
